Brokenness

In December Pastor Ron has each staff member choose a Bible verse for the year. Everyone on staff prays that verse for the person throughout the year. In December we share how God has worked in our hearts and lives through that Scripture. This year mine is Psalm 139:23 & 24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Tuesday I realized I neglected to complete and turn something in that I am assigned to do each month at work. I’m usually pretty faithful, so I was surprised that the reaction was that I was being rebellious. I felt I was just busy and in my busy-ness, I forgot. I completed it and moved on, having justified my lack of timely compliance to myself so I didn’t feel bad. It wasn’t that big of a deal, right? A little late, but I got it done.

Wednesday I was again busy, really busy! Plus, I had a goal in mind that I knew God would want achieved. Three times during a particular activity I heard the still, small voice of God prompting me a different direction, to do something else. Each time I acknowledged that it was important, and that I would get to it, in a minute. After the activity ended, God showed me why He was prompting me to do it when He wanted it done. Now it was too late. The opportunity was lost.

I am heartbroken. I blew it big time. I missed an opportunity to lead a little child to Him because I felt my agenda was more important. In my mind I wasn’t being outwardly disobedient or rebellious. I was going to do what He asked when I had a moment. Again, I justified my rebelliousness and disobedience.

Obedience can be defined as ‘doing what I am asked to do immediately, completely and willingly; following instructions.’ No ifs, ands or buts. I was disobedient. God tried to show me my heart and the offensive way in me in a situation where the stakes were low, and I justified it away. Then He showed me my rebellious and disobedient heart in a situation where the stakes couldn’t be higher. I feel absolutely awful about the missed opportunity. But I am thankful that God loved me enough to show me my sin so I can repent and grow in godliness.

I thank you Lord for showing me this sin in my life, and for placing people in my life who care enough to point out my sin when I choose to be blind toward it. Please help me to obey You and the authorities You place in my life immediately, completely and with a joyful heart. And PLEASE give me another opportunity to share You with that precious child. Please!?!?!